Kathryn's Story

I have been trying to write this post for 2 weeks.  I could only do it in small sections at a time, but for some reason I couldn't just put it off.  I think I mostly needed to write it for myself.  I know I am already starting to forget some details, and I really don't want to forget.  I'm not quite sure how to go about it...so forgive me if it sounds like a list of random details.

As I mentioned last time, I had my regular doctor's appointment on Monday the 7th.  There hadn't been any progress, so Dr. Chang scheduled my induction for Monday the 14th.  Her heartbeat was around 150, just like normal.

Tuesday she was extremely active.  Ed and I sat there and watched her roll over and kick and Ed found her foot and held on to it for a second.  We wondered if we would be able to keep up with this crazy little girl.

On Wednesday we noticed that she had calmed down.  At one point Ed put his hand on my stomach and asked if she was sleeping.  Ed had to fly that night, and before he left he told me he probably wouldn't be home until 2 or 3:00 in the morning.  I was very uncomfortable that evening.  My feet were extremely swollen, the heartburn was especially bad, and the contractions were constant and painful.  I kept reminding myself I only had to make it for a couple more days.  At around 11:00 I was putting my book away and getting ready to go to bed when I suddenly had the thought, "I can't remember if I've felt her move today."  It is not a thought I had had before in this pregnancy.  She had always been so active.  I quickly went back through the day, trying to separate contractions from movements, and couldn't remember if Ed had talked about her foot that day or the day before.  I began to push on my stomach, trying to get any kind of response out of her.  Over the next few minutes my pushing became more frantic and the prayers and tears started flowing.  I honestly didn't know what to do.  I knew I wouldn't be able to get ahold of Ed if he was flying, and I didn't want to go to the hospital without him.  But I didn't know if I could wait until the middle of the night.  In what I believe was the first in a series of tender mercies, Ed came home at 11:30.  He immediately got ready to take me in.  He called our neighbor to come be with the girls, and then gave me a quick blessing.  And I knew.  I didn't want to believe it, but I knew this wasn't just me being paranoid.

Even so, at the hospital I wanted the nurses to be joking, hook me up to the monitor and find her heartbeat, then tease me about being the paranoid pregnant woman.  They weren't like that at all.  They were extremely sweet but serious, got me back into a room right away, had me change, and had Ed quickly verify our paperwork.  Then Pam brought in the monitor.  She briefly tried to find the heartbeat, then went and got an ultrasound machine.  Just like with our miscarriage 3 years ago, one look at the screen was all I needed.  She was so still.  Everything was so quiet.  Pam asked if we were "the praying kind" and asked if she could pray with us.  Then she left to call Dr. Chang.

I can't explain to you how Ed and I were feeling at this point.  It's not something I would wish on anyone.  There really are no words.

Dr. Chang must live near the hospital because he was there in no time.  He also did an ultrasound, then in his quiet way began to discuss our options with us.  They left us alone to work through our emotions and some details.  I mentioned that we'd need a name for her and Ed immediately said "Kathryn."  It was a name we had discussed before, but wasn't really in our list of final choices.  But somehow that was her name.  We had planned all along for her middle name to be Lucile, after my Grandma Law.  It seemed especially appropriate now, as my grandparents had also had a stillborn baby.  And just like that our little girl had a name.  Kathryn Lucile Anderson.

Sometime in there I began to notice that my contractions were becoming more regular and more painful.  Dr. Chang had suggested inducing me around 6:00 that morning because Ed had decided to go home to be the one who told our girls when they woke up.  I thought it was so ironic that I had worried excessively about being induced, and here I was going into labor on my own.

Pam got my IV started and as we began to process what was happening she talked us through so many things.  Shift change was around 6:00 and she told me I couldn't have asked for a better "team" than what I would have the next day.  My nurse would be Paula, my anesthesiologist would be Jan, and Dr. Chang was one of the best.  Ed left and I tried to sleep, but between the realities of the situation and the pain that never really happened.  Around 5:30 they started a very small dosage of pitocin.  At 6:00 Dr. Chang came back to break my water, then changed his mind and asked if I would like my epidural first.  They called Jan in early just for me, and it was the best epidural I've ever had.  She was done before I knew it and I never even had weird twinges down my back or legs.  I think it was around 7:00 that they came back in and broke my water.

Ed was back by 8:30.  He had told the girls what was happening, but the only one who really seemed to understand was Kimberlee.  He told them they didn't have to go to school, but in the end Krista was the only one who chose to stay home.  She went with Kassie to play at the Bishop's house.  I'm so grateful for people who dropped everything to help us through that day.  The texts and the phone calls started rolling in.  Eventually Ed had to turn off our phones so we could focus on just what was happening in our little room at that moment.

Around 10:15 it felt like the epidural wasn't strong enough anymore.  I didn't understand that because that normally happens as I'm getting close to delivering, and from past experience it hadn't been nearly long enough yet.  But Paula called Jan in and she readjusted my epidural, and then Paula checked me and told me I was already 8 cm dilated.  She walked out of the room and I told Ed I needed to push.  She came back, checked me again, said I was ready, and called Dr. Chang.

At this point I was hit full-force with the realities of the situation.  I in no way felt ready to see my beautiful baby as I knew she would not be crying, would not be moving, would not be breathing.  Again, I can't really explain the feelings we were having at that moment.  Many, many tears.  Three pushes later, Kathryn Lucile came into this world on May 10th at 10:48 a.m.  There was knot in her cord, and it was wrapped around her neck.  She was beautiful and perfect in every way.  She looked just like her older sisters.  Lots of dark hair, Kimberlee's eyes, Keira's nose, and Krista's mouth and chin.  With all those characteristics, I thought she looked like Kassie.  When they handed her to me I was comforted by how warm she was.

We spent a few precious hours holding her, crying, laughing, talking to her, and loving her.  There is a wonderful company called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep with volunteers who take professional photos of infants who have passed away (or will pass).  Our photographer, Jill, came in and lovingly helped to clean and dress Kathryn, then gave us the gift of beautiful pictures of our baby.

I was exhausted.  Ed began to make funeral arrangements.  Who would have thought we'd have to figure out how to bury our baby?  He held Kathryn the whole time he was there, not wanting her to be put down for a second.  I tried to stay awake, knowing I didn't have much time with her, but couldn't help dozing.  Eventually Ed left to go pick up our other girls, and when he got back we said goodbye to Kathryn.

That night was rough.  I was still in the maternity ward, so I could hear crying newborns.  My body was exhausted, but still seemed to recognize that I had just had a baby, so I woke every half hour or so.  There was a beautiful picture of a newborn on the wall that was the first thing I saw every time I woke up.  I had told Ed to go home thinking I would just sleep, but in the middle of the night I was not so brave anymore.  More than anything I wanted to be spending the night taking care of my baby.

I went home the next day and we began the process of trying to heal.  My mom and sister arrived, and the food, messages, phone calls, hugs, flowers, and gifts started to pour in.  We were completely overwhelmed with love from everywhere, to the point that we didn't quite know how to handle it.

I can't tell you about the feelings I had over the next several days because they are personal and I think meant just for me.  But we did feel the prayers of loved ones and what I can look back now and describe as a sense of peace.  The amazing weather and our secluded backyard were particularly therapeutic for Ed and I.

We flew to Boise on Saturday the 19th, and held a very small service for Kathryn on Monday the 21st.  It broke my heart to watch our older girls say goodbye to their sister.  It took everything they had to sing a primary song to her, but they were brave and did such a good job.  My dad spoke - he always seems to know just what to say.  Then we went to the gravesite.  Ed gave a beautiful dedicatory prayer. 

Kassie watched Ed give the prayer, then went to the same spot and said a prayer for Kathryn herself.

She is buried in the same area as many of Ed's family members, right above her Great-Grandma Belnap.  It's a beautiful spot under a tree and next to some pink peonies.  I know it is just her body there, but for some reason I've found a lot of comfort in her peaceful resting place.

I don't think this is something we will ever "get over."  Kathryn is a part of our family, and there will always be a hole without her.  We want to talk about her because we don't want her forgotten, but it feels too sacred to share her with just anyone.  I guess I'm trying to explain why I may not blog about her again...but then again I may write about her every day.  I'm not quite sure where the grieving process will take us.  I am definitely recognizing first-hand that it is a process.

I do know that we've felt God's hand through all of this.  We have faith in Him and in the sealing power given through temple ordinances.  Oh how grateful we are for those temple ordinances.  We will see our baby again. 

Until then, our sweet Kathryn Lucile.