2 months

Warning: this is another post about Kathryn. If they bother you, or make you sad, or you're just tired of reading about my feelings, now is the time to stop reading. In all seriousness, I have taken a lot of time and energy contemplating what I should share with the world and what I should keep to myself. I have thought of Mary, and how she "kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." (Luke 2:19)  I've wondered if that is the best way for me to approach it. There are certainly many experiences and feelings associated with this that are too sacred and personal to share. But I've also recognized in all this that I had a great need to not feel so alone. Reading about others who have gone through similar experiences has given me so much comfort and hope that I almost feel it is my duty to provide that for others. Sadly, there will be others. So bear with me, or skip these posts (I'll never know). :)

I don't know when it happened.  I can't pinpoint an exact day or moment.  But this month peace came for me.  I've stopped feeling sick to my stomach all the time.  I haven't had a day this month where I had to escape to my room to cry.  I've thought of Kathryn every day, but without the guilt that was so present before.  I've been happy thinking about her this month.  I can listen to Keira's chatter and questions about her and answer patiently rather than wishing she would stop.

I recognized last month that I was sad.  But I didn't realize how far down I really was...until I wasn't there anymore.  In the beginning people promised me that the peace would come, but it was so hard to imagine when it felt like nothing would ever be right again.  Lo and behold, they were right.  And I'm so grateful.  I am so grateful I don't have to continue to feel like I did last month.

So in the midst of that peace I did some hard things this month.  I put away the baby things.  They'd been hastily stuffed in a closet before I came home from the hospital, but while the girls were still in Branson I was able to go through them, put the clothes and blankets back in their bins, and give away the diapers.  I didn't even spend the time weeping uncontrollably.  Instead it made me smile - I could sense I was taking big steps in the right direction.

I held a newborn this month.  In fact, I kind of stalked the poor family during church until I could find the right moment to take her.  Sounds creepy, I know, but I NEEDED to hold a baby.  I snuggled her warm little body for a few minutes, shed a few tears, then handed her back...and felt good.  Cravings averted...until next Sunday.

In the hospital they stamped Kathryn's feet on a plate.  Another mother of a stillborn had started a company called Mamie's Poppy Plates to give parents a keepsake of their children.  All I had to do was take it in to a local art studio to have it painted with her name and fired.  It shouldn't have been hard, but I felt like I was handing off a piece of Kathryn to strangers.  But I did it, and was looking forward to seeing how it turned out.  So yesterday when they called to tell me there had been a problem I began to panic.  They asked if I had anything else with Kathryn's footprints on it, and the only thing I knew we had was the plate.  I spent all night sick to my stomach about it, thinking I had lost yet another part of her.  Early this morning when I couldn't sleep, I got out Kathryn's box of things.  Her blanket, the cards and gifts sent to us, her ultrasound pictures.  And there, tucked under an angel ornament was a card with her footprints on it.  She had big, perfect feet - I bet she would have been tall.  I felt like I had been given a precious gift.

I have been amazed this month at how many people are still thinking about us. Just this afternoon I received a card with no return address that simply says, "Someone is praying for you today. Have a blessed day!" Others have sent emails or commented about how Kathryn's story has touched them. For a soul that never took a breath, she has been such a great influence for good. I know I am a better person for knowing her. I am a more patient and loving mother. I am less concerned with insignificant things. We are closer as a family. We've had a glimpse into eternity and know that where Kathryn is is where we want to be.

Two months later...we're doing well.