Faith vs. Fear

I wrote this several weeks ago, but wasn't sure I was ready to post it.  Then I kept coming back to it for my own reference, so I figured I might as well put it somewhere more convenient for me.

I feel like too much of my last several months have been full of fear.  Oh, who am I kidding, it's actually been more than 2 years now.  It began when I found out I was pregnant with Kathryn.  I had had concerns during pregnancy before - I expected, every day, to miscarry with Kassie.  But when I passed 20 weeks, and hadn't miscarried, the fear went away.  With Kathryn it was different.  I had several impressions that something was different with her, right from the beginning.  I kept pushing them aside, thinking I was being paranoid, but they always came back.  I fretted over what was wrong - was she special needs?  Did she have health problems?  Was she going to be rebellious and difficult?  Was it something "simple" like colic or food allergies?  I knew I would love her no matter what, but I worried about how her "specialness" would affect my other relationships, particularly with Ed and my other girls.  I hoped I would be able to put the worry behind me after my 20-week ultrasound, but I left that still feeling unsettled - he had gone through it so quickly, I worried that he had missed something important.  I read and reread a friend's blog about her daughter's birth where she was diagnosed with Down Syndrome.  I tried to prepare myself in some way for what we would discover at Kathryn's birth.  And of course I kept all of this to myself, because I had no real reason to think anything was wrong.

I was in no way prepared for what was actually wrong.  In all my worrying, being stillborn had never crossed my mind.

Over the next year I had many moments of fear.  If experiencing a stillbirth could happen to us, what other trials were coming our way?  I had weird worries about ways I could lose my girls, or other family members, or Ed.  I worried about having marital problems, or financial problems, or spiritual problems, or health problems.  It was particularly bad while Ed was deployed and it seemed every week there was another plane crash, or I heard stories of how volatile Afghanistan was.

These fears were not debilitating.  I was still functioning just fine, and in the moment didn't even realize how much of my life I was living in fear.  Slowly I began to worry less and less about catastrophic things.  Then I got pregnant again.  And I began to be afraid of everything. 

I worried that my happy, carefree Kimberlee was getting weighed down and depressed with all the stupid things that come with middle school.  I worried that my Keira was turning sassy and mean.  I worried that Krista's anger was getting out of control.  I worried that spunky Kassie would be more than I could handle with another baby.  I worried about Ed's impending job change, an impending move, impending financial changes.  I worried about church callings I was responsible for, and the constant feelings of inadequacy there.  I worried about something breaking in our house or car and not being able to fix it.  For the first time in my life I worried that I would have a blood clot or stroke or car accident or in some other way leave my little family without a wife and mother.  I worried about being late, about any new situation, or not being good enough.  And I spent 2 whole days completely freaking out when I didn't feel the baby move as much as I thought she should.  Seriously, I was afraid of everything.

In all of this anxiety, I even began to worry about my worries.  I could feel fear taking over my life, and I didn't want it to be that way.  I had always been taught that fear is the opposite of faith, that they couldn't coexist together.  I began to study faith, hoping to find some answers and a way out of my anxiety, but I was confused because I felt that I had plenty of faith - faith that God loved me and my family, and that we would be okay in the end.  But I had also learned that there are some things I could only learn through deep and personal trials, and most of my fear centered around those things that I couldn't control that would bring those lessons.  I had learned that trials of that sort are HARD.  I still feel broken in so many ways from Kathryn.  What other lessons would I have to learn?  And what other hard things would I have to go through to learn them?

Thankfully, there has been a shift in the last couple days.  It wasn't a Conference talk or scripture that has taken much of the fear away (although those have definitely helped the process and got me thinking in the right direction).  It was actually a conversation that had nothing to do with me.  Ed and I had picked up the missionaries on our way to the church for a meeting.  Ed is the ward mission leader, so they began to discuss various people they were concerned about.  One was a homeless man (kid really, he's so young) who doesn't know who his father is, and whose mother had pretty much abandoned him.  He has nothing and no one.  Another was a mother who had apparently been sent to jail, leaving her teenage son alone.  I thought of the marriages I have seen crumble over the past year, and of this woman's blog that I had begun reading.  And something finally clicked into place for me: all I needed was a little perspective.  I had spent so much energy and time worrying about things that might happen, instead of realizing that right now, in this moment, things are good.  My wonderful husband and I love each other, and we have been blessed with some really good girls.  We are all healthy.  I have parents, and in-laws, and extended family who provide us with love and support and great examples and counsel.  We have exciting changes coming that might be a little scary, but also are very optimistic at this point.  We have money in the bank and a beautiful home.  I have a testimony of the Gospel, and a supportive church family to lean on.  I have friends and blessings pouring out my ears.  And as I said before, I have faith that no matter what, I will be okay.  There will be trials.  There are for everyone.  But every time I have prayed for peace, it has come.  So while I think fear is normal, I also have faith that no matter what trials come He will be with us through them.  That has always sounded a little cliché to me, but I can feel the truth of it now more than in the past (one of those lovely lessons learned from Kathryn).  And in the meantime I need to focus on enjoying this moment where my "problems" are relatively small, instead of worrying about things beyond my control.

I don't know why I felt like I needed to write all that.  Maybe someone else is fighting anxiety and fear, and this will help a little?  Or maybe it was for me, to define a moment of answered prayers.  Whatever it was..."...all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (D&C 122:7)  Yep, I really do believe that.