Soccer season is officially upon us and all three older girls wanted to play this year. Last year with just 2 in we had soccer on every day of the week except Sunday, but miracle of miracles, this year it only consumes our lives on Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays. It makes for long days, but Sassy and I are happy to cheer on our Zebra, Sour Apple and Megalodon. Ed is currently on a trip, but will be happy to join the fun when he returns.
I was looking at this picture yesterday after posting it on facebook, laughing about the girls not being able to see because of the sun. I had a brief crazy moment - I thought, "Darn, I should have made sure all my girls were in the picture....oh, yah." These moments are coming fewer and farther between, and while they're a little heartbreaking I'm still glad I have them. It makes Kathryn more real to me.
I distinctly remember a moment in the hospital. Ed was holding Kathryn while he was talking on the phone, with his mom or maybe the funeral home. He was gently bouncing and rocking her, looking like any father with a new baby in the hospital would look. A nurse came in to get my vitals and while she was there she tidied up the bathroom. As she finished she flushed the toilet, and with the door open it was really loud. Without even thinking about it, I reached over and laid my hand on Kathryn to calm her so the loud sound didn't wake her up. As soon as I realized what I had done I began to laugh one of those nervous, I'm about to lose it laughs. It was all so ridiculous to me - here we all were in the hospital with our newborn baby and I didn't even need to take care of her. Ridiculous. There were many moments once we got home where I'd be in the middle of something and suddenly think, "Wait, when is the last time I checked on the baby?" or "I'm sure I'm supposed to be taking care of something more important." It was baffling to me that for a few unguarded moments I could actually forget. I truly thought I was losing it sometimes.
I think about Kathryn a lot at soccer. I try to imagine what it would be like to have a 4-month-old while chasing Kassie and trying to get everyone to the right field at the right time. It would be really hard, and definitely crazy. But that's a good kind of crazy. I'd take that crazy over this other kind of crazy any day.
I sure love our other crazies - our scientist growing up before our eyes. Our toothless, star-struck, silly one. Our quiet little bookworm. And even our feisty sass-master. She's a little devil, but I adore her. I'm so grateful for the crazy they bring to my life.
But if you ever see me counting them and looking confused, don't mind me. I'm just having a moment.
5 comments:
I love all your crazies too. Good luck with soccer.
Thanks for sharing this post. It gave voice to the feelings I have felt before. I know what you mean by all those moments where you feel like someone is missing, or that you should be doing something more important. I think that's why I will never feel like our family is "complete". Much to Mike's dismay, I keep asking if it's okay to have just one more kid. One of these days, I'll realize that I can't just fill that void.
I hope for your continued peace and happiness with all your beautiful girls. They sure are cute.
Maybe those moments are Kathryn's way of nudging you and saying - I'm closer than you think and cheering along with you until we can all be together. Good times ahead - I promise.
I completely agree with your mom. She is just reminding you that she is waiting for you all. We love all your little crazies...and you of course!!
I know it is hard, but thank you for sharing your feelings with us. One day you will hold her and be able to bounce her and be rewarded with a beautiful smile!
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